A Letter to my heart,

When did the world stop turning? You look at me with these eyes that beg the promise of forever. You tell me never. Are we a snow globe a puppetmaster shook too much? Are we anything, anymore, dare say "us"? This is the memory I fall asleep at night to.

When I wake you are not there. I remember when you were. I move thru the day, watching my heart break. I think I left it somewhere in a puddle, in the rain. I trace your words in my mind, a million memories I despise.

I feel loved. I feel dirty for this love. Because I feel it, and I cannot have it. Unworthy? Do I deserve you? From what so many have told me, you are the idiot. And every little endearing thing now makes me turn away. Because I realized...

If I were hit by a car tonight...If I were diagnosed with cancer...If I were raped and murdered and left for dead... I do not see you by my side. I see clearly, everyone else I have known, and the only other man I have ever loved truly... but I do not see you.

Yet you look at me with those eyes. You are a part of me, the part I tried to deny. Sometimes I dream of a different life.